In my Facebook algorithm, a video popped up about “things you see at Target”. The original creator, Quint Essential, posted a video of a person who bought a big flat-screen TV, but clearly did not have a plan to transport it home. After watching the individual struggle to put the TV in the trunk, then back up the car to slide it into the back seat only to realize it would not fit through the door, the person filming the video steps out to ask if he needed help.
With the TV laying on the ground, he looked away and and said, “Nope, I got it.” Ultimately, he places the television on the back window of the vehicle with only the hope and prayer the TV will stay on for the duration of his drive home.
Yikes.
It is a comedy of errors: Poor planning, impulsion before logistics, a basic understanding of physics, and the lack of a tape measure.
I laughed, but then the person filming muttered something I could not shake, “does he not have any friends to help him pick it [up]?”
By now we are aware of the epidemic of loneliness, but I’m going to assume this individual had at least one friend. What struck me is, for whatever reason, he did not feel he could burden another person by asking for help even when a complete stranger, the person filming, offered to help – he declined.
We are not good at asking for help. It feels defeating. It goes against our sense of self-sufficiency, but the truth is, we need to ask for help. It is part of what it means to be human. We are born helpless babies counting on people to do everything. As we grow up we become more and more self-sufficient, but it does not eliminate the fact that sometimes in life, like when we put together Ikea furniture, four hands are required. Certain parts of our human experience require help and it is not a weakness, rather it shows the strength, wisdom, and necessity of a community.
This week my friend called me because he was on the way to emergency room with his daughter. Immediately, I offered to drive over and pick up his other child so they can go to the hospital without having to navigate the healthcare system as a party of four. Ultimately, they garnered help from parents, but I was on call and ready when/if the help was needed. Apparently, this is rare. This appeal for help is required on his part, vulnerability and trust. On my end, it was a call to action. In 2012 Laurie Orlov wrote an article that stated, “89% of people don’t have an emergency contact”
As a culture, we need to take steps to normalize asking a friend for help. It can feel overwhelming, but there is a pathway and a process for everything, so here are three suggestions on where we can start today:
- Take inventory of the people who are significant to you and let them know what they mean to you. This is a significant step requiring vulnerability, but it honors the relationships in your life. These conversations can lead to deeper levels of connection, closeness and friendship.
- Let your friends know you are counting on them. When we assume we can count on someone and then the person (for whatever reason) cannot come through, the unspoken expectation can damage the relationship. When we let people know what they mean to us and let them know they are our “emergency contact”, it sets expectations and readies us for action. When my friend called me, I picked up because we have had countless conversations of what our friendship means to one another over the years. From the birth of my children, to my cancer diagnosis, to my need to help cover an arbor, we picked up the phone because we know what we mean to each other.
- Pick up the phone. I have a friend who rarely texts, but when they think of someone, they immediately pick up the phone to call. Whether it is a 5-minute call or leaving a 60-second message, he feels it is more significant than a text because it’s powerful to hear someone say, “I was thinking about you.”
Friends are not just in our lives for utility, they are in our lives for mutual connection. Our souls need it. Our culture craves it. It requires courage to build it, but it’s possible.
What are your tips for cultivating deeper levels of friendship?
Steve Dang 